READER ☆ DOC The Dance of Anger A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships ✓ 9780060741044 ✓ JOHNSCYCLINGDIARY

TEXT The Dance of Anger A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

READER ☆ DOC The Dance of Anger A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships ✓ 9780060741044 ✓ JOHNSCYCLINGDIARY ã [Download] ➶ The Dance of Anger A Woman's Guide to Changing the PatternsVes our attention and respect women still learn to silence our anger to deny it entirely or to vent it in a way that leaves us feeling helpless and powerless In this I know my friends are sick of hearing about her but Harriet Lerner is a genius and my own personal guru from afar I never really thought I'd read a self help bookespecially one on relationships eek but I've re read this one three times at different points in my life The books there's a Dance series are easy to read her case studies are good because the examples are ones that everyone can find in their own lives and her advice is really sound The basic premise is that if you're unhappy in any relationship romantic or otherwise you're the one who has to change things that you're wasting your time if you're trying to change someone else And she gives good ways really specific ways to do that Anyway I just think she's brilliant and I actually enjoy reading the books Just give 'em a try

PDF Õ The Dance of Anger A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships Á Harriet Lerner

Anger is a signal and one worth listening to writes Dr Harriet Lerner in her renowned classic that has transformed the lives of millions of readers While anger deser I recently heard a sermon on anger at my church When I saw the sermon topic printed in the bulletin I felt reluctant I expected to hear what you sometimes do in Christian circles that anger is bad and one should avoid becoming angry I was not eager to hear this message as I had been feeling strong anger about some personal injuries I had experienced but I prayed I would receive the message with an open mind The rector however said nothing of anger being either bad or good; he said rather that our anger reveals what we truly value We become angry he observed when something happens that does not match up with the way we think the world SHOULD be This insight remained in the back of my mind as I read Harriet Lerner’s “Dance of Anger” Anger says Learner is neither bad or good it simply IS But our expression of anger can be – and often is — ineffectual We become engaged in a “dance of anger” with our spouses parents children co workers and others rather than using that energy to clearly define our values and take action to get for ourselves what we need We tend she says to “see people rather than patterns as the problem” To break ineffective patterns which are often perpetuated by the way we either express or repress our anger we need instead to use our anger to affect change Rather than wasting our energy trying to change the opinions and values and actions of other people over which we have no actual control we should use our energy to clearly determine and state our own values and what action we will take on our own behalf to resolve our own problems The objective is not to be manipulative however We also need to identify the true and sometimes multiple sources of our anger so that it is not misplaced This reuires changing old familiar patterns in relationships and can therefore be difficult or frightening for any or all parties involved Much in “The Dance of Anger” resonated with me and the basic premise is useful but I was initially put off by the feminist thrust of the opening pages Dr Lerner seemed to define expressions of anger in terms of sex roles societal oppression of women and the like rather than in terms of individual personality and life circumstances which seems to me to have as much to do with how people express or repress anger as gender does Indeed I think in romantic relationships at least that perhaps men just as often fail to admit their anger and resentment for fear of jeopardizing a relationship as do women It was ironic to read Lerner’s suggestion that it’s not useful to worry about who is to blame for a given situation and then later to read her response to a uestion in a particular situation “Was Melisa then the cause of the problem? Of course not If Melissa had been in an institution where women were truly empowered and where she as a female was not a numerically scarce commodity at the top her behavior would have been uite different In fact research indicates that women who hold positions of authority in male dominated settings are not able to clearly define their own selves” These sorts of mini feminist rants even when I didn’t disagree with them occasionally distracted me from the author’s overall thesis Fortunately they are brief and widely dispersed Another caution I have is that she speaks a lot of “deselfing” and although I certainly think this sort of thing does go on for women and yes even sometimes men too there is a fine line here that must be walked between refusing to “deself” one’s self and simply being SELFISH And that’s a line that can be very blurry for a lot of people myself included I think Dr Learner’s advice

Harriet Lerner Á The Dance of Anger A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships TEXT

The Dance of Anger A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate RelationshipsEngaging and eminently wise book Dr Lerner teaches women to identify the true sources of our anger and to use anger as a powerful vehicle for creating lasting chang This book was recommended to me by a therapist who supervises our group of counsellors He told us that this book is incredibly helpful not only to his clients but also to mental health professionals who want to gain a better understanding of relationship problems and how to deal with them I was intrigued and decided to remember the title so I could read the book and find some useful information on how to counsel people with relationship and anger issues For some reason I really didn't think this book would be a truly useful read for myself I have no idea why I was deceiving myself in such a way because I found some really great explanations uotes thoughts and examples that are relatable easy to understand and very necessary to analyze and remember I started noticing some patterns in my own behaviour and in that of my closest ones and the relationships we have Anger truly is one of the most complex emotions to understand and expressing it in a healthy way is an even bigger challenge I hope I will be able to break some patterns and habits for my own sake as well as for others' Luckily my self monitoring skills are getting better by the day so I'm very optimisticI do have to say that one of the examples in the book didn't sit well with me at all I even felt a bit of anger while reading it The case I'm talking about is the one where the father of the family has a lot of fights with his son whereas the mother tends to be the one protecting the son creating a triangle where nothing gets solved and the problems persist The solution the author offers is basically this the mother has to trust her husband distance herself from the fights between father and son not criticize the father's raising methods and thus break the habit of being in a relationship triangle The problem is after mother has done that the father starts punishing his child by beating him with a belt The author however doesn't seem to see this as a problem she even says that as long as there is no violence the mother can stay away So how is using a belt to beat your child as a form of punishment not considered violence? I was truly appalled by this example I really don't think it fits well with the concept of the book or any of the other examples everyone else is eual to each other they're adults and there is really no need for relationship triangles and a third person having a say in a relationship between two eual adults who can make decision for themselves even if the decision is to leave the relationship Here however we have a 8 year old child who by no means is an eual to his father nor does he have a clear understanding of what is normal in a relationship with an adult The parents are setting an example for him and if the example is that one of the parents distances themselves from problematic situations whereas the other uses his dominant position as a means of asserting his power even punishing the child and treating in an unacceptable way it is a very fucking bad example Yes the relationship between the father and the son is personal and they have to communicate but I think that removing the mother from the euation is a very wrong step at this point The fights can get even bigger because the father might feel that he has gained absolute power and nobody will stop him from doing whatever he wants especially his son who is fuckin 8 YEARS OLD This is not an eual relationship where two parties will solve their problems on their own The parents have to communicate the mother has the right to express her opinion on the other parent's punishment methods and the child should not be left alone like that In the future the child will resent his